.RAPE. RAPE. RAPE. RAPE. RAPE. Rape. Rape-ity Rape Rape Rape. You don't like the word RAPE?! Well I didn't like it when it happened to me, but it did and now I have to deal with it, every day, and if I can deal with it happening to me, then YOU can deal with people talking about it! Something really messed up has happened in our culture, when a teen aged girl is raped at a party and the only mention on the news is for the loss of the "promising future" of the boys who did this to her. What about HER promising future?! The future that is now filled with fear, distrust, anxiety, nightmares & rage. This will affect her for THE REST OF HER LIFE! This is not a head cold that will get better in a week. This is something I know, too well. I know about locking your car door at a red light because the guy waiting on the bus looks like one of "them". I know about checking every window in your house, to make sure it's locked up tight, even though you KNOW you just checked it earlier. I know about second guessing certain clothing choices as to not "give the wrong idea". I know about being startled by cars back firing down the block, thinking "they got you". I know about all these things and then some, because I was raped. I was 16. My very best friend in the whole world and I were going to meet a friend. We got turned around and ran into a group of "young men". We stopped and asked for directions. They got us both, separated us from each other. I remember crying and one of them said "Please stop crying, I don't want to hurt you"... I screamed, "Then LET ME GO", but they didn't. They dragged me out of the car, by my neck, with a tire tool. They laid me on the ground and made me take off all my jewelry. They had guns. They were loaded. He took the clip out of the gun laid it on the ground, beside my head and told me if I thought I was quick enough to get the clip in the gun and shoot him before he could me, to go for it, otherwise, shut up and do what I was told. I did what I was told. We were 16. I had no idea that people like that even existed. Why would I have even thought they were anything but nice, young men that wanted to get us back on our way?! Why?! I knew better. Mom & Dad had always taught me about "stranger danger" and "The Big Bad Wolf", but that kind of stuff only happened to young kids... right?! WRONG!!! It happens to 16 year old girls. It happens when you're sober. It happens when you're drunk. It happens at school. It happens on dates. It happens in old abandoned buildings. It happens in the back seats of cars. It happens in your neighborhood. IT HAPPENS! And it keeps happening. Even when it's "over", it's never over. My case is closed, but justice was never served. I have had 21 years to deal with this and then when I thought I was "over it" it rears its ugly head again and so I "deal with it" again and again and again and every single time it comes back up, I will continue to "deal with it", because that's what I do! Not because I have to, but because I CHOOSE to. I go to the grocery store without my husband in tow, after dark, because I CHOOSE to. I open my windows on a sunny day, because I CHOOSE to. I live my life exactly how I want, because I CHOOSE to. I wear tight jeans sometimes when I go out, because I CHOOSE to. {and I have an amazing butt, but mostly because I CHOOSE to} I get up every day and fight the good fight, because I CHOOSE to. My right to choose was taken from me all those years ago and I spent a lot of time being scared and ashamed, but I am not scared anymore and I have nothing to be ashamed of... THEY DO! I am NOT broken, just a little cracked! I am NOT a Victim I AM A Survivor and so are YOU! RESOURCES:
5 Comments
You are a survivor! Thank you for posting and talking about your story! It's hard to do so. Also thank you for bringing up the Steubenville Rape Trial. I'm from Steubenville and I witnessed our town get torn apart, because all they worried about was the two boys! I wrote about it. I waited to write about it. I had to, I had to gather my thoughts. What happened to you and that girl, and the many other girls in the world is not fair. Thank you for choosing to have that great butt and show it off sometimes with out fear! Thank you for being a survivor!
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3/20/2014 02:58:32 am
Thank you for sharing your story. The only way stories like this will cease to become shame-inducing for women is if more people bravely share theirs.
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KiKee
9/7/2018 07:04:02 am
I just found your post online and I am deeply moved. The “I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor” is definitely true. I was sexually abuse growing up and it’s something that I am dealing with on a daily basis. It happened when I was young so subconsciously I blocked it out, then one day something happened and I remembered it all. Like a horror movie that never ends, I am being touted by memory of my childhood nightmare. I never spoke up and said what happened because I was ashamed to say anything. To this day my mum doesn’t know, because it will kill her to know that she gave birth to a monster. Karma is taking care of my brother for what he did and I am healthier without him in my life.
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